There are so many things in life I want to pursue; the number of books I’m yet to read is endless, the films on my ‘what to watch’ list are rapidly building, not to mention the ukulele lying neglected upon a bookshelf just waiting to be played. Those are simply a few things off the top of my head, awaiting my attention. Now, my dilemma is not that I am lacking in time, I actually seem to have an abundance of that when I really think about it. The problem is that my mind simply won’t function. After terms of hard work preparing for exams, copious amounts of revision, maintaining a part-time job, attempting to uphold a (somewhat) lively social life and trying to get a decent amount of sleep, I just can’t seem to manage to exert myself in any other areas of life.
Part of me wants to put this down to laziness on my behalf, however I’m just not satisfied with that reason anymore. I’m sure I can be named many things, however lazy is not one of them. There have been many times in my life where I’ve felt unsatisfied with something, so set out to change it. If the reason for not fulfilling my aspirations was mere laziness, I’m sure that would have hindered my achievements in the past. No, there’s something different in this kind of tiredness – a sort of fatigue, if you will, where you feel so physically and mentally drained you can hardly bring yourself to do the things you enjoy, let alone those you do not. Believe me, I’ve been dying to crack into Homer’s ‘Illiad’ for months now, but all I can muster up the energy to do is watch shite TV, such as Big Brother.
In fact, as I sit here in bed typing away at this, I find myself distracted by the chatter of Rylan Clarke on my television screen. Perhaps the media is right after all, maybe I am just part of a generation with little to no attention span? Well maybe it’s due to my own pride and defensiveness over fellow young people, but I refuse to believe that. If I can get through ‘Tess of the D’Urbervilles’ I’m sure I can learn to play a goddamn four stringed instrument.
Although I seem to have eliminated the aforementioned excuse of mere laziness, I am left with near infinite alternatives. The easy explanation would be to blame my studies, though I’m not sure they can be held wholly accountable. Everyone I know is working just as hard as, (if not harder than) I am, working towards their A-Levels, so I believe it would be rather self-indulgent, if not self-pitying, to lay the blame there. Despite this, surely it must be a contributing factor. It’s conceivable (and probable) that, in reality, it’s not just one thing that has caused this increased lack of energy, but a cumulative effect of everything a person has to handle in life. So should I just bite the bullet and accept that part of growing up is that we have less time to indulge in the activities we enjoy? Somehow I don’t think I can do that.
Unfortunately, I’m not sure there is an absolute conclusion to this dilemma I, (and probably many others), seem to be facing. All I know is that as long as it remains to be a lack of energy preventing me from expanding my horizons, rather than a lack of interest, there is something I can do about it. I may not be lazy, but I sure as hell could be doing more – we can always be doing more. Looking at the situation, I’m not willing to sacrifice any of my current responsibilities, so it seems the only variable to be changed is my own behaviour. Fulfilment starts with yourself, and I can sit here on my arse writing to you about how tired I am, or I can get up and do something (and then come back and sit on my arse to write about it).
This may seem like a rather fruitless subject to discuss, after all I’ve concluded nothing substantial and made no exciting claims whatsoever. However, the mere act of writing about this such frustration is enough to ignite some form of creative spark. Think of this as a simple step en route to satisfaction and wellbeing, it might seem a little more worthwhile then.